My first post….

So i am CrazyDiamond and I have fibromyalgia, anxiety issues and possible borderline personality disorder (it was touched on 5+ years ago but nothing was ever done as the paperwork was “lost” by the psychiatrist.)

I turned 28 on March 11 this year and as I hit this number, which for some reason I have trepidation about, I realised another year had passed (I count mine from bday to bday not new year to new year) and this is when I sit and ‘re-evaluate my life. (Why has this thing added a ‘ when it’s not needed….? Silly app….)

Pro’s:

° I have a beautiful, intelligent girlfriend who has a great sense of humour.
° I have the perfect family.
° I am still self employed and am sort of getting paid.
° I’m making plans to travel.
° I’m getting financial help via Tax credits and PIP which makes life easier.
° I have a memory foam mattress and pillows.
° I have great friends…. perfect friends.
° My room is taking shape.
° I have opportunities open to me.
° I am still independent.
° I am not my illness.
° I am comfortable in my skin (somewhat).
° I no longer binge drink to deal with issues.
° I have started talking to people on the street that I don’t know. – this is a big step for me as I have anxiety issues talking to those I don’t know. I talk to people with dogs.
° I love my XboX.
° I’d love to do an OU course on mental illness.

Con’s:

° I have a chronic pain illness which has more to it than pain. (Diag. 2010)
° I often have to walk with a stick (or two).
° I have to take my time and ask for help when needed.
° Money does not solve everything.
° There is still drama surrounding my fibromyalgia and how others feel I should deal with it.
° Pain medication does not solve everything.
° Pain medication doesn’t always work.
° Marijuana is still illegal and frowned upon…even though it helps with pain.
° Marijuana does not help with my depression/anxiety/paranoia/voices.
° I’m not sleeping properly.
° I am constantly exhausted.
° I am still smoking – when I stop I have panic attacks.
° I have panic attacks.
° Not everyone understands.
° People talk about me.
° I have regrets and I hate admitting that.

That’s all I can come up with right this second.  My brain is working at a mile a second and so much stuff is going through it, I can’t pin just one thing down and when I try it seems to zip away.

I’m going to councelling sessions and part of one of the exercises is to think about my own positive qualities. And as I’m sat here I’m trying to think of some.

° I have an IQ of 183 (last test was four years ago. That’s my score.)
° I am creative.
° I can be artistic.
° I can be funny.
° I write well (fan fics/ stories).
° I have nice hair.
° I care.
° I listen.
° I don’t always know the answers but I try.
° I kick fibromyalgia’s butt every day when I get out of bed.
° I can be positive.
° I am semi-comfortable in my skin and with my body.
° I am friendly.

And again that’s all I can come up with because my brain is buzzing.
Tomorrow…..or today as it is Saturday I’m getting my conch punched and I am terrified of the pain but I have wanted this for over a year….

I’m gonna go watch The Walking Dead. Try to calm my brain.

2 thoughts on “My first post….

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