That time….. (opening up)

To talk about stuff that nobody likes to talk about.

Along with fibromyalgia, one of the issues is IBBS. irritable bowel and bladder syndrome. Even the smallest amount of stress can set it off and I’ve not exactly been having a good time recently. I’m gonna open up and be frank, because if I didn’t then there would be no point to this blog and I would simply be lying to everyone.

Three ish weeks ago my girlfriend of 21 months, who I still love dearly, admitted that she didn’t love me the way I love her and it was for the best that we split up. This was one he’ll of a blow to me cuz, tbh I wanted to move in together, give it time and then get married.  However, she never saw us getting married.  I can’t be angry, I was but I’m not now, because all I ever ask for is honesty and trust and she gave me both of those things.  We’re still friends and we still chat all the time so, at least I haven’t lost her completely. This I can live with.

I know there will be certain persons who probably jumped for joy and if they saw this would be angry about “putting it all out there” but y’know what? This is my fucking blog. Don’t like it? That’s fine…. fuck off.  And there are a few things I’d like to point out about my attitude towards everyone.  Yes I have changed, it’s what happens (generally) when you have a mini stroke. Shit changes and happens within your brain.

Moving on and I have been seeing Olivia at my local resource center and I honestly don’t know if it’s gonna help. It’s more CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) than dealing with stress/anxiety and its making me more stressed and angry because I have to try and stop negative and unhelpful thoughts and forcefully think positive. This is fucking hard and mentally fatiguing on so many levels.  It leaves me tired and angry because it means my meds are not working and changing them is going to fuck everything up again and they’re already fucking up my weight.

I was supposed to go out tonight but I literally went through all my clothes and nothing fitted.  I’ve put on 7lbs in three months. It’s not like I don’t want to excersize, it’s down to my fibromyalgia. I physically can’t. Walking hurts like he’ll even on meds, too much walking and I can’t get out of bed…. even when I can I limp heavily.  I’ve looked into yoga classes but can’t find anything in my area that I’d be comfortable going too and is inexpensive. 

There’s a possibility I may have something wrong with my thyroid but everything is “within parameters” so they won’t follow it further, even with my genetic history (look up Christmas island bomb tests. My mum is a Christmas island baby and I’ve got a lot of the genetic issues she would have got. However, other than the cancer it all skipped her and went to me).

So I am beyond stressed right now and there’s very little that can be done about it and I am majorly suffering with my IBBS, I’m popping Imodium like they’re candy at least twice a week.

..:: just keep swimming ::..

One thought on “That time….. (opening up)

  1. I heart you ❤ I do read but I rarely comment, partly because I forgot I even had WordPress but also because I'm anxiously private about public internet things for some reason. I usually never post anything of any importance publicly. But I felt compelled to do so tonight when I read this xxx

    I'm so sorry everything feels like it's hitting you all at once at the moment. Just hang in there any way you can; who cares what it is (so long as it's not damaging or detrimental to your health), so long as it works for you; I tend to bury my head in the sand and my life revolves around a TV show, or a fandom, or a YouTuber, or a Game, or something, when I'm not doing so good until gradually, things either get easier or you find you're coping better. And you feel more like you again.

    And I know when times are tough it doesn't seem like you're going to get back to a better state of Kaz but you will, I promise. So just hang in there, sweets ❤


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