Bathing suit shopping is no longer fun

Okay so picture the scene…. you’re going on holiday and you need a bathing suit of some kind cuz, sun and pools etc.  Only problem is, you’re plus size and you’re kinda self conscious about your stomach even though generally you’re pretty body positive.

You think, “how hard can it be?” 

Read on to find out…….

I won’t lie about my size – I am a voluptuous and curvy UK size 18 with 34F tatas and an ass J-Lo….probably would never admit to being her own if she had it…. ok so I don’t have the perfect figure and yes I have orange peel skin.  Do you have any idea how time consuming and expensive skin routines are? And who the fuck am I doing it for anyway?  If I am happy with how I appear then nobody else should give a damn!

I’m getting off course here….

Point is, I am looking for a bathing suit for when I go to Vegas with the lovely Amanda. I know my criteria – either a high waisted bikini or a nice full bathing suit but a more retro style. Nothing that reminds me of school swimming lessons or my granny in a flowery one-piece.  No thank you.

So I type in what I need. Size 18 – high waisted bikini.  And I begin to scroll…. and scroll….. then scroll some more…. and by now my thumb is tired (cuz I’m scrolling on my phone) because every time I click on something the “XL” or “XXL” with tummy control is aimed at ladies who are anywhere from a size 8 to a size 14.  I don’t know anyone who is a size 8 and needs tummy control.  XXL is NOT a size 14!!  Get it together and when I do FINALLY find something I like that fits my check list and would look flattering…… the cost…. oh holy dumb bells the cost.  The cheapest one I found was £34!!!  I AM NOT SPENDING £34 ON A BATHING SUIT!! I’m gonna wear it to possibly dip my toes in a pool, maybe sit in the water and if I feel really really brave I may even attempt to doggy paddle (I can’t swim)…. why the ever lasting fuck would I spend £34 on that OH and by the way – this was a BIKINI.  High waist – check.  Low legs – check.  Bandau top – check. Nice design – check. Sturdy neck tie to support my tatas – check.  Price…. FUCK OFF. The full one piece was almost £50 and that’s when I decided a well known bidding site was my best friend.  It did take me a while to filter out the……used….. garments *barf* and now I am watching three gorgeous one pieces and I’m bidding on one of them.  I REALLY hope I get one of them because otherwise I am onto flowers…. and just…. nope.

The point I am getting at is the fashion industry seems to forget that us larger ladies like to take a dip (sometimes) or at least lay on a sun lounger, on a beach, poolside and not feel like a flowery beached whale in the process.

High waisted bikinis shouldn’t just be aimed at the lesser sizes (under a 16), they should be available to all sizes – I’m sorry do you not want a fat woman in your bikini? Well tough tatas cuz we like laying around in a two piece.  We like to feel sexy and we like to be stylish.  Don’t leave s with flower print, high neck, low back one pieces which do NOTHING for us.  I have no problem admitting I need some tummy control but by gods I am not 60! I like it to be…..appealing.  I like to think people will look at me because I look good.  Not snigger behind my back because oops I forgot to trim my bush for the super high leg swimsuit that only really looks good on a size 10 anyway but oh well that’s what I’m now stuck with because someone only made the high waisted two pieces for the size 12s.

What the actual fuck?  C’mon now.  It’s the same thing I’m dealing with with “big knickers” (so I have a nice silhouette for a couple of my outfits for photoshoot) super high waist and decent low ish legs and tummy control…. perfect.  But oh look it only goes up to a size 14 and spanxx are EXXXXXPENSIVE because of y’know celeb endorcements and stuff.  And I do not believe that ANY of the celebs who say the wear spanxx actually freaking need them!!  Sweetie if you think you have a gut…..I can show you a gut. If you think you have love handles, grab a load of mine.

It just all adds up to this media enforced image that nobody should be “fat”.  We should all be the perfect size for our height.  We should all absolutely eat healthy and not snack, not smoke not drink not….. not live and have fun.  It’s unhealthy to live THAT way too.  You have to find your own balance for body and mind.  You may look at me and be like “but you’re fat how can you know until you’ve been skinny?”  Truth is I HAVE been skinny.  At my smallest I was a size 10 and I was SO proud of myself….. but I wasn’t eating healthy, I wasn’t exersizing (HA me and exersize?! Hahahahahaha anyway….) I was starving myself.  I knew how long my body could go without food before it started to a) eat its own body fat and b) shut down.  I kept it teetering on the edge of shutting down…… I STILL thought I was fat because the girls at school told me so.  My ribs and hip bones showed, my collarbones stuck out but….. I was still fat.  It took me YEARS to gain weight back and I am now still stuck with an ED because it’s always in the back of my mind that, no…. you need to be skinny to be happy.  Even though I wasn’t happy when I was skinny.  I seem to have found a happy balance in my plus size.  I love my tatas (squishy) and my ass is perfect (so I am told) my love handles are great for…. well yeah 😉 and I am having more fun at my plus size, I have more confidence because I fill out clothes and corsets and jeans than I ever did when I was a size 14, a size 12, a size 10……  and putting out bathing suits that have tummy control for someone who is a size 10, or 12 or 14 that probably has no need for it is gonna add to the problem…. that girl or woman may not think they have a problem but all you need is that one thing…..

Large: UK 10.  Complete with tummy control.

Ok so that turned into more of a rant than I expected but I hope you get my meaning and what I was on about.  It’s now 2.40AM as I type this and my brain wouldn’t let me chill out and sleep till I had…..  thanks brain…. and stop asking if penguins have knees….they do.  They’re just higher up towards the hip than “normal”……  and no we are not doing the macarena… shut up and go to bed… now…. I swear I will lock you in….. TURN OFF THAT MUSIC……. OPPA GANGNAM STYLE!!!  *dances* ……………  fuck……..

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