OK so I recently posted something to instagram (http://instagram.com/p/wZa0NWomf1 ) and I want to expand on it a little more.
A few years ago after a very heavy drinking session including absinthe, I had a mini stroke. At first I didn’t think it had affected me that badly – a bit confused and weak on the left side but nothing terrible. Over the following weeks it became very apparent that my mental state had changed for the worse. I was already depressed but I had got it under control without the need for medication (which made me feel like I was a zombie). Three weeks after my mini stroke I was back on medication at a much higher dose than before. I also became angry quicker because I couldn’t actually show any other emotion. I was told by some friends my demeanour had changed, I became short and snapped a lot and my brain didn’t always engage properly so I didn’t (and still don’t) always think of someone else first and though I can still empathise with people it sometimes doesn’t work properly. Two ish years later I had another mini stroke caused by stress so everything got worse on that front and my brain is basically fuzzled.
I hear voices. And that takes a lot for me to say that because its something I pass off as a joke when it’s actually not. There is always a lot of noise in my head anyway but there are three voices that have been with me since I was around 11 or 12. I’ve (lovingly) named them Snap, Crackle and Pop.
Snap is a manic depressive bastard. He hates me, tells me I’m not worth anything. I’ll never make anything of myself, nobody will ever love me, I’m not worth anything and never will be, why do I even bother? Etc.
Crackle is the giggly drunk. Literally sits in the corner and giggles while swigging out of a bottle of jack daniels… he doesn’t do much else to be honest. He’s a hoot when I’M drunk though cuz I find EVERYTHING funny.
Pop has his (my) mind completely in the gutter, sometimes the sewer and has a filthy giggle.
The problem is since my mini strokes, these voices seem to have actually taken on personalities and at the most inopportune times (when you REALLY don’t want it to happen) they seem to…..pop up out of nowhere and I… am not quite myself. More notably its my giggle and laugh which have changed greatly.
Add to all this my doctor has said there is a chance I probably have borderline personality disorder. To condense down the issues associated with bpd… emotions are up and down, feelings of emptiness and anger. Difficult to maintain friendships / relationships. Unstable sense of identity; thinking different about yourself depending on who you are with. Take risks without thinking of consequences, harm yourself or think of harming yourself. Fear of being abandoned, rejected or alone. Believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) / see or hear things that are not really there (visual and auditory hallucinations). it’s something I really need to talk to my doctor about but I have no idea how to broach the subject.
Add ALL THAT into my fibromyalgia problems and you can see why I’m so fucked up.
If you have any questions feel free to get in touch, I shall happily answer them.