June Update

Jesus christ I am terrible at this weekly blogging thing.  I am so fucking sorry.

A lot has happened over the last few weeks and there’s much of it I can’t talk about due to respecting my family’s wishes and keeping it off the net.  Let’s just say I’m gonna book another nervous break down (the last one was a few years ago) and I will sit in a corner crying, laughing and drinking and probably smoking as much as I fucking can.

Read on for more stuffs…

Most recently I had to pull out of the race for life.  As you may remember around six weeks ago I knackered my left knee and I’ve got ligament damage which is still healing.  I also managed to develop two MASSIVE blisters on the balls of my feet which promptly burst and split making it agony to walk…..and I broke my pinky toe on my right foot.  On the day of the race it was cold and very wet which meant the course would have been very muddy, baring in mind I would have been doing the race on crutches; none of this added up to a fun run for me. 

I managed to raise £100 for cancer research in sponsorship nd I feel so crappy that I didn’t do it.  I feel like I let everyone down because I essentially wimped out of the race due to discomfort and pain.  There are people the world over who are much worse off than I am…..yet they’re doing so much more,  I know many of the racers will have been dealing with cancer and/or its treatment and yet they get on and do it. 

So why couldn’t I???

I feel like shit.  I raised this money…..they didn’t do the race.  The saving grace is that at least cancer research UK have got that money and even though I know full we’ll cancer will never be cured (because why cure something in a day when you can bring in the money for research and charge people weekly/monthly/yearly for their care and/or treatment???)  However I do know the money will be put to some good use,

Last week (from 30th to the 7th) my lovely lady Vicky visited me.  We had a fantastic week, lots of drinking and minecrafting and snuggles.  I have never slept as well as when I sleep next to Vicky.  Going to bed Sunday night and waking up Monday morning without her was….. it hurt.  I physically ached because it felt wrong.

Yesterday (9th) I had a hearing test at an audiology centre ** and though my hearing is good, the lady admits I have a small problem.  What that is, she can’t say as she isn’t a specialist.  So I am now being referred to an ENT specialist and I should get that through soon.  Where I will probably have another hearing test and other stuff.   The confusing part is that all the tests I had showed I do not have any perforation of my eardrum.  Yet when I use ear drops I can still feel them going right in to my ear and down inside…..not into my throat but next to it…?  Feels very strange and just….yeuch.

** about four or five years ago I was stood next to a speaker at a rock concert and the idiot on stage decided to smash his guitar.  It was plugged in and switched on.  I lost hearing for about three days and when it came back it wasn’t as sharp as it used to be.  I have major problems when I’m in a large crowd or a noisy environment trying to pick out individual voices and noises.  Watching tv on low means I have to use subtitles.

Moving on and like I said we’ve got some family stuff going on but its not something I can go into online.  We’re very stressed, upset and confused and we have no clue if it will ever get better.  Its most likely going to get worse and ….. *sigh* I can’t explain it without telling you what’s happening…and I can’t do that out of respect for the wishes of my family and keeping this between us only.  If and when I can tell you what’s happening I will.

I want to do some stuff for charities through my modelling/body mods.  I’m thinking some play piercing sessions (with a professional in a studio) to raise money for Macmillan Nurses and Dementia awareness.  May do my own mini walk though I’m not entirely sure where/how I could do it and document it.  I also don’t want to make an empty promise….. don’t want to say “yeah I’ll do….X, Y,Z….” and then not be able to do any of it…. it makes me feel crappy, it means I let people down and it means people get angry and/or upset with me.

I’m looking forward to the end of july when I go to norway and then august when I get another woof woof.  I need a companion.  I’m getting so lonely here on my own.

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