well fuck

you know when you’re told something but it isnt until you actually say it out loud yourself that it takes full effect?

i had a moment like that today and some very hard realities hit home.

1) my anti depressants arent working.  not properly anyway.  problem is before i can be put on anything else, i have to be weened off of these (i take three different happy pills), but i have to be off of ALL three of them before i can start new ones.  i know for a fact that once i start coming off them….my world will turn upside down and i will be the hardest person to live with…. not only this but i know i’ll be self harming and suicidal once again.  i know that my family and true friends will stick by me but….. im terrified if im not stable….i’ll lose my girlfriend….because if i can’t deal with me off my meds….who will?

2) if there is nothing physically wrong with my pituitary gland then it is my meds and my anti depressants and anti sick pills (and one of my painkillers) are to blame and the specialist reccomended that if this is the case then a change of meds is in order…. see point 1…

3) if it is meds….. without a change in them, it will be physically impossible for me to ever have a biological child. Ever.  To change my meds….see point 1.

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