I wrote this last night…. About midnight while having a breakdown.
I just told my mum that I may have to go to see my gf because of timing/money/previous plans/ease….
She went into anxiety attack mode and started asking “what about me? I’m not staying here alone for a weekend let alone a week!” And that she doesn’t feel safe and couldn’t deal with him if he showed up etc.
I have never seen my mum in such a state as that. It upsets me that (a) I have a life but it’s on hold because not only is my mum my carer but also I’m helping her through a nervous break down & (b) he has driven her to this. She absolutely HATES leaving the house now; even to go to see Gran who only lives a two minute walk around the corner. She’s so stressed, anxious, nervous and tense whenever she leaves the house and is on constant watch.
I don’t know how to help her! My bpd is going nuts and -my own- anxiety is through the stratosphere to the point where I’m self piercing just so I don’t get the scars of “normal” self harming. If I said I hadn’t thought about it I’d be lying through my teeth. I told mum “snap” [New comers please ask and i’ll explain] hadn’t reared his ugly head for weeks. I was lying. He’s constantly just whispering to me to self harm. Just one cut and i’ll feel better…. And I am fighting it off so Fucking hard; it’s exhausting.
We’re gonna be evicted. Nothing is being paid on the mortgage, loan [secured on house] or the IVA [debt consolidation]. We can’t physically afford to pay anything and he refuses. So the loan company called this morning to tell us basically in two months [when we are in arrears] they will start eviction proceedings. Goodbye Yule celebrations. Goodbye 30th birthday bash [March n/y] because we simply won’t have the money and won’t want to celebrate because we’ll be too busy packing up what we can of our lives and trying to find a new place to live that we can actually afford.
FYI: I’m disabled and my mother is my carer. Between us we don’t get much.
I’m being fast tracked for a psychological/psychiatric assessment because of everything that’s happening and to hopefully get me into long term councelling.
I don’t know how to help my mum! I don’t know wtf to do to make this right because at the end of the day the cockwomble isn’t gonna Fucking help.
I am so Fucking tired. I find myself silently sobbing and praying. Fucking -praying- to whomever is listening to please just help. I’m not asking for a full miracle….not even the impossible. Just a little bit of help! Financially would be great but just point us in the right direction with a decent shove to make sure and I’m positive we’ll find our way.
I need help. I’m triggered so badly and I’m fighting myself. I need help.