TW for anxiety/depression/self harm

I wrote this last night…. About midnight  while having a breakdown.

I just told my mum that I may have to go to see my gf because of timing/money/previous plans/ease….

She went into anxiety attack mode and started asking “what about me? I’m not staying here alone for a weekend let alone a week!” And that she doesn’t feel safe and couldn’t deal with him if he showed up etc.

I have never seen my mum in such a state as that.  It upsets me that (a) I have a life but it’s on hold because not only is my mum my carer but also I’m helping her through a nervous break down & (b) he has driven her to this.  She absolutely HATES leaving the house now; even to go to see Gran who only lives a two minute walk around the corner.  She’s so stressed, anxious, nervous and tense whenever she leaves the house and is on constant watch.

I don’t know how to help her! My bpd is going nuts and -my own- anxiety is through the stratosphere to the point where I’m self piercing just so I don’t get the scars of “normal” self harming.  If I said I hadn’t thought about it I’d be lying through my teeth.  I told mum “snap” [New comers please ask and i’ll explain] hadn’t reared his ugly head for weeks.  I was lying. He’s constantly just whispering to me to self harm. Just one cut and i’ll feel better…. And I am fighting it off so Fucking hard; it’s exhausting.

We’re gonna be evicted.  Nothing is being paid on the mortgage, loan [secured on house] or the IVA [debt consolidation].  We can’t physically afford to pay anything and he refuses.  So the loan company called this morning to tell us basically in two months [when we are in arrears] they will start eviction proceedings.  Goodbye Yule celebrations.  Goodbye 30th birthday bash [March n/y] because we simply won’t have the money and won’t want to celebrate because we’ll be too busy packing up what we can of our lives and trying to find a new place to live that we can actually afford.

FYI: I’m disabled and my mother is my carer. Between us we don’t get much.

I’m being fast tracked for a psychological/psychiatric assessment because of everything that’s happening and to hopefully get me into long term councelling.

I don’t know how to help my mum! I don’t know wtf to do to make this right because at the end of the day the cockwomble isn’t gonna Fucking help.

I am so Fucking tired. I find myself silently sobbing and praying.  Fucking -praying- to whomever is listening to please just help. I’m not asking for a full miracle….not even the impossible. Just a little bit of help! Financially would be great but just point us in the right direction with a decent shove to make sure and I’m positive we’ll find our way.

I need help.  I’m triggered so badly and I’m fighting myself. I need help.

3 thoughts on “TW for anxiety/depression/self harm

  1. First of all, I am a newcomer & have no idea what “snap” is. I am a recovered self harmer-cutter. While I would love to say that my life is smooth sailing, but it never has been & probably never will be. What will be is that I am always in control of my own actions. Even by choosing not to do anything, I am choosing. It is harder to do than to say, or even know, but you have to be in control of yourself before you can possibly think of helping anyone else (your mother). I do not know the situation, but I do know (many of) mine. No one put her in this situation without her consent on some level. Same as you. Despite any outward happenings, eviction or tangible circumstances, she has choices & always has had them. Digging deeper, it is her (& your) choice to self pity, wallow, or be victimized by the situation. . .or choose to give “him” or anyone NO power to control you on any level & that includes fear, doubt, hopelessness. If you focus on those things you are giving him the power to control you without even any effort. It consumes you & rips not only your present but your future. Do you really want to give him that? Or do you want to face it with a big fuck you I will not hurt myself & I will not let you defeat me?

    Sorry if I am way out of line here. I do not know you at all, but I am you…or was. It’s not just a matter of choosing your battles, but a strategy for winning them! We all deserve to be happy, and without the approval or consent of anyone but ourselves. Make your own happy.

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    1. You’re not out of line at all… You’re completely right.

      “Snap” is one of my three voices. It’s the one that pushes me to self harm, get angry, doesnt help my depression/ borderline/ bipolar. I’m on a waiting list to see my local psychiatric team but it’ll be next year before I see them….

      Like

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