Due to the current issues I was sent for a mental health assessment on emergency. I’ve already been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and now it seems I’m on the bipolar scale and my anxiety is back.
It wasn’t anything too in depth today as it was just an assessment. The lovely lady j saw said that yes it’s important to be there mentally and emotionally for my mum but I also have to take time out myself and my own mental health.
I said that’s easy enough to say but it would upset mum greatly as im sort of the only one she says she can “trust” and “rely” on so I don’t get much time mentally to myself.
We found out today….well mum had an epiphany…. Michael has been controlling her from day one. I think she’s gonna cover that in her next blog post (she’s already posted one at pernscreature.WordPress.com) but it’s true….. We went where he wanted; where he could control everything. We ate what he wanted. Decorated how he wanted. Did what he wanted. Saw who he wanted. Anything he could control. Without going into to much detail the bedroom was also what he wanted or not at all….. This was until mum was diagnosed with acute angina and the sex part of the relationship ended….. He seemed okay with this but obviously he wasn’t. .
The epiphany was mum (and by extension me) was in an abusive relationship*. Another one. This isn’t my mum’s first abusive relationship but it isn’t my place to speak about those as I only remember one and even that is sketchy on memory.
We’re still gonna lose the house because once again he has decided we will lose it. He has decided he doesn’t want us here. He has cut all contact because he doesnt want to speak to us so again he’s still controling the situation. I think that angers her more than anything….. The fact he’s not even here and still controlling everything…..
So I’m still here supporting her emotionally and mentally with little for myself….. I don’t want to hurt her by saying any of this …..I’m left with little choice though.
Yesterday I tattooed myself. I’d rather that than cut…. At least I get something productive out of tattooing. I want to cut but I’m really trying so hard not too.