This is why……

Let me preface this by saying I’m not doing this for you.  I’m doing this because I’ve been struggling to deal with shit and wanting answers since March 2014, this is the only way I can get it out and work it out for myself because I know I’ll never get actual answers off of you.

I waited a few days so I don’t say things out of anger (also for my benefit).

You say you don’t know what you did to fuck up our friendship and I think that goes way Fucking back to the day you said you’d date me. I shouldn’t have asked you, not in a million years and if I had been able to see the future I wouldn’t have done.

I honestly don’t know where to start with all this so…. I’ll just write how things cone to my mind and people can either make some sort of possible timeline or not. I really don’t care.

You are one of the most pessimistic, self loathing people I have ever met.  Not only this but you’re such a sub you have to get everyone’s opinions before you can make any kind of decision (including dying or cutting your hair).  You ever see the good in anyone or anything and you’re so convinced about the bad shit you can’t see the good.  Something always must go wrong! Or something WILL go wrong.  Your glass is always half empty; for a 25 year old you’re pretty Fucking childish and too cynical for your own good.

I often wondered why you said yes to dating me.  Was it out of loneliness or convenience?  And did you ever actually love me on the level of being a couple?

I don’t wonder these things any more.

That Feb week in 2014 when everything seemingly fell apart…. I think that was the push you needed to get rid of me in March and much like now I think you got certain people’s opinions before you did it…. Because you find it extremely difficult to make your own life’s decissions. 

What hurt the most (especially at the time), was that you agreed with a certain friend of yours that I was a “complete dick” and that I “never thought of others”.  You also APOLOGISED on my behalf.  Don’t you ever try and put words in my mouth.  Not only this the three of you knocked down my only dream for my life.  You all told me it was completely unrealistic and I needed to start thinking clearly.  Well I am thinking very clearly now.

You talk about your “dream” to teach ESL (which btw everyone and their mother is doing), but you never once told me about this dream in the 18 months we were together.  I find that slightly odd; but I do remember you saying it’s what your MUM thought would be good for you…. Are you chasing this dream for the right reasons? And considering how ill the course you’re doing is making you (projectile vomiting if you are to be believed) I wonder how well you’ll deal with the job associated with it?  The stress is only going to get worse…..

One thing I know for sure is that you need to find that backbone you are so missing.  You say you stand up for yourself to your parents but I find that highly doubtful and considering how childish your mother is, I’m not surprised in the slightest that you’re the same.

You say you’re gonna move out but I still highly doubt that too.  I just have this feeling you’re gonna stay there as your mother’s carer and completely under her thumb with the same small group of friends…… Because that way you don’t have to think for yourself… They will happily tell you what to do, what to think and what you should say.  It’s the easy life where you get to throw a pity party and make everyone feel sorry for you. 

Note:  I don’t know why I ever thought you would have stood up for me to them….. You barely stand up for yourself to anyone.  Even when I ignored you after you asked if you fucked up the friendship and I told you to forget you ever met me…..YOU WERE FUCKING APOLOGISING…. Get a Fucking spine and use it.

The only reason you were/are sorry is because you know that you dumped the best thing to ever happen to you and it’s you who fucked it up. 

Whats really fucked up is that I know you still follow me all most of my social media….. Are you still clinging tightly? 

Go back to your two besties (who you apparently rarely talk to) and tell them both they were right about me all along. I am a dick….. Only let me put forth one edit…. I’m a Bitch. I always have been and I always will be.  I was so wrong to think we could still be friends.  The shit you’ve complained to me about and done nothing to change was stressing ME out.

It’s exhausting living up to your expectations.

One thought on “This is why……

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