I’m slightly drunk, I’m tearful and I have thousands of thoughts running through my head…. It’s 01.36 on Jan 1st and the only way I’m gonna sleep is to blog and get it out of my head (or at least just a few thoughts…)
It may be a new year but is it really a whole new start…. At least yet? How can it be a new start when we’re still being bombarded from all sides with enough shit (figuratively) to keep a field nicely covered?
On Wednesday we found out my Gran has lung cancer. She’s 80 and smokes 30-40 a day, she has no intention of stopping as she says “the damage is done.” I can see her point but considering she’s not having chemo, only radiotherapy which is less invasive, stopping her habbit would at least prolong her time on this earth and would definitely help with her current 40% lung capacity and 72% blood oxygen level (I believe normal levels are between 93-97%).
Gran said to me that she “won’t race towards the coffin” …. She may not be racing but she’s sure as hell doing a light jog by not stopping smoking.
Now, I know I have no room to talk considering I smoke 20 a day, BUT…. If I got told today I have lung cancer and it can be treated, I’d never touch another cigarette.
On Christmas day just gone…. The bastard proposed to his whore. She said yes. The ring looks cheap and nasty just like her (we’ve all said it looks like it came out of a Christmas cracker).
Erm….. Don’t you have to be divorced to get married again? He hasn’t filed for divorce and mum can’t Fucking afford £1800. So it’s gonna be one hell of a long ass wait…. That’s if he sticks around that long.
Considering with everything she’s spent of what was left over from selling her house (£4000 she gave to her daughter, large curved tv, new Harley Davidson with leathers, helmets and bike dressing, two new HTC One M9 phones (bought outright, unlocked) and anything else we don’t know about) I don’t think he’ll stick around much longer once the money runs out and he’ll do it all again to some other woman.
This seems to be his M.O. he’s done it three times we know of for sure.
We’ll be losing the house within the next four months so we’ll be starting to pack pretty soon. He walked into a ready made home (again) and we’re the ones suffering… Mum passed a comment that she’s worse off now than when they first got together…. And she wasn’t doing great then.
So….. Is this really a new start? Is it really fresh yet? Or is this just dragging out until the bastard is finally completely out of our lives legally (divorce)…. And even when we have our new place, a time will come when we’re gonna need to move in with Gran to look after her (and we’ve been told that this will happen and yes this cancer will kill her. They can treat it but actually curing is apparently not very probable… Don’t get me started on that subject..).
So in my head….. No. This isn’t a fresh new start. This is just a continuation of a shitstain in our lives that doesn’t seem to be ending any time soon.
And all this is without mine and my mum’s actual physical health.
I can deal with that in my own way…. But I worry greatly about my mum. She has a backbone of steel (again… Figuratively) but even titanium can snap when it’s pushed too far. I don’t care what life throws at me, I’ll Fucking deal with it….. But I really, really worry about my mum. She puts on this rock hard exterior and she’s Fucking not. Not when it comes right down to it. She’s the softest and most kind hearted person and when she hurts she feels like her emotions aren’t valid. She feels like she should be able to cope and …. She’s gonna end up having another nervous breakdown. I know she is and I won’t be able to help her. We’re both on waiting lists to talk to the psychology people but that will only be for six months and the probability of seeing anyone in 2016 is in the 10-15% range. The waiting list is over 18 months long…..if I’m lucky I’ll get to see someone by maybe this time next year… Same goes for mum.
I don’t know how much more of this she can deal with…… She’s already said that if she didn’t have me, she would have topped herself by now. That puts a fuck tonne of pressure on me and ….I’ll break eventually too….
I so want 2016 to be our year but…. I just can’t see it.