I had this weird ass dream last night and its taken me a little while…. But I understand it now.
I was sat in a kitchen and you walked in. I wasn’t surprised or angry, I just sat there and we talked about the good times and I told you I missed you. You just nodded and didn’t say much. Then you left.
I miss the good times and the laughter.
I miss the man I grew up knowing as my father.
I miss the gaming days; eating skittles and oreos and even earlier than that…. I remember playing board games in our old home, eating sausage rolls in the living room and laughing.
Kerplunk, bucking bronco, scrabble, chess (which you always beat me at except once, I was and still am insanely proud of that..).
I moved onto a Sega Megadrive and Sega CD. Playing Sonic the hedgehog for hours…. Two controllers meant we could be Sonic and Knuckles or Tails.
On our first PC you taught me how to play Raptor and Doom (even though I was only 10) and I remember the laughter. When we moved and I had my own PC we’d play Unreal Tournament and Quake online. It was a 56K modem but it was enough for us.
We would scream and yell as we went after each other.
But we laughed. We always laughed.
You showed me how to build a PC, how to install it and update it. You showed me how to upgrade and I enjoyed every single moment because I was spending time with my dad.
When my heart got broken you helped mend it. You helped me by showing me how i should value myself and you set an example of who I should trust.
You were there the day I got my first tattoo. You held my hand and smiled proudly as I got through it.
I’ve cried on your shoulder so many times and each time you helped fix whatever was wrong.
I remember going to the beach, I remember safari & animal parks and you got me into photography. I remember you stopped in an animal park for the longest time just so I could fuss and feed a Zebra. It was amazing.
I remember cinema trips two or three times a year for birthdays, Halloween and Christmas….
I remember being 7 or 8… It was a boiling hot summer and we were having a tattoo party; all the kids were wearing the transfers like they were real tattoos while their parents got a small devil or a tribal armband…. I remember the swimming pool and water fights.
I remember summer barbecues with punch and laughter.
Through everything there was laughter.
And I miss that. I miss the man I once knew as my father.
I don’t miss the person you became…. And only you can be blamed for that – that’s your string of choices.
I can’t stop myself from being angry at you yet and that will take time….
I just wish I could burn memories the same way I can burn pictures because I don’t want those happy times anymore – they are what hurt the most.