If a friend pisses you off or treats you like shit and you cut them off or put them in their place (when needed), nobody bats an eye at you…..
But as soon as you do it to a family member everyone loses their god damned fucking minds.
Everyone always says “blood is thicker than water..” But I think that sometimes it’s family members who treat us the worst – as for why….. Maybe its because they know how far they can push or they know what buttons to press and then after some time has passed we’ll forgive them. Every. Fucking. Time.
That’s not to say that once forgiven its forgotten and it definitely doesn’t mean they don’t do it over and over.
Yesterday I was accused by my gran of not caring.. Simply because I’ve not been to a hospital appointment with her… I offered to go with her. Every time. All I got in response was she didn’t want to put on me. She knew it would be hard on my fibro. Its easier if Kath goes.
So I stopped offering and she took this as a sign that I don’t care.
I had to leave that room before I hit a wall or threw something. She can be so…. I don’t even know a word for it… There’s probably a German word for it (there is a German word for everything).
As soon as we say anything she deems “bad” about Kath, a massive shield goes up and she defends her to the hilt. I’m not denying how amazing she has been to gran and how amazing she continues to be. However….. She had most people in town believing they’d never see gran again and of course she (Kath) was the one doing everything for gran, single handedly.
Kath has in her diary (I’m a nosey bitch) on gran’s birthday (May 24th) “Elsie b/day – if she makes it.” WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
As though that isn’t enough, Auntie Ann (gran’s step-daughter-in-law) seems to have shoved her head in the sand and isn’t taking in anything we’ve been saying. She seems to think its “months away” before gran is gonna need 24/7 care – simply put, its not. Especially if she carries on how she is – we’re 90% sure she has Alzheimer’s. She ticks all the boxes but the last time she was tested (last year?) she had no issues with her memory.
I’m so angry and upset because I know that no matter what we say or how we say it, gran has to be right at all costs and we’re the ones who don’t listen. It is infuriating beyond belief because she turns everything around back onto us then gets pissed off because we “don’t hear” what she’s saying.
The problem is, we hear every word and in her eyes we are just not good enough. We don’t measure up to her standards. We never have and we never will. We disappoint her and upset her and then we’re the bad ones.
We have a visit (at gran’s) with the Macmillan Nurse at 12 today. If Kath is there she won’t be for long because its a family matter and frankly Kath is not family. I’ve already promised gran and mum that I will be polite towards her when I ask her to leave, and I will stick to that.
After we’ve seen the nurse and asked some important questions about her mental health, her behaviour, her attitude, a time span…. Then we can get moving.
As bad and as angry as I feel…. I can tell that its absolutely nothing compared to my mum and what she is going through mentally and physically. She is exhausted – in fact I think she is beyond exhausted and is running on fumes and nicotine. She’s a light sleeper at the moment and wakes at any noise – she’s lucky if she gets a couple of hours of good sleep a night – it really doesn’t help… And when it gets to that stage and she’s looking after gran it’ll be the same.
Tbf…. If I don’t take my nightly meds (naproxen, pregabalin, mirtazapine, nortriptyline OR tramadol and diazepam) I don’t fucking sleep a wink. I am also really glad I’m on three anti depressants right now because without them…. I wouldn’t like to think about where I would be.
I’m very lucky that I have my blog, I have my girlfriend and a wonderful network of friends (Irene, Anna, Lauz, Monique, Kiah, Roxie, Rob, Fallen and so many more… I am looking at you, you are all amazing). Mum can’t really vent about what’s happening in her head to anyone but me… She does have her blog but there’s so much happening she finds it hard to concentrate on just one thing and get that down so she has no real outlet.
I’ll update with what’s going on once the Macmillan Nurse has visited and we know and…. Euch then we have to start calling family and…. I hate this so much.