The open letter to Gran

I’ll put it after the cut.  She’s still playing the pity party. She has no clue how i feel so i did the only thing i could…. I wrote a letter….

Gran

You know I have problems putting words together to make a coherent sentence when it comes to my feelings; I thought it best to write them down.  This way I can get it all out and get it in some sort of order.  Then… you’ll know exactly how I feel and why I am so angry.

 

And yes this will all be very selfish.  Mum is fully aware.

 

First and foremost; you have become one of the most two-faced people on the planet.  When Kathleen isn’t there you’re slagging her off, you agree with us that she’s depending too heavily on you, that you need to think of yourself.   Then when she inevitably arrives you turn on a dime and become her best buddy. 

 

We have told you time and time again what she is like.  How she acts and what she tells people.  You just will not have it.

 

And now here I am; feeling let down and disappointed in my own grandmother.   You say you didn’t hear what she said but we all know that’s bullshit – you have developed extremely selective hearing and only hear what you want to.   That’s twice that Kathleen has called out someone else’s child and not once did you try and stop it.  You sat quietly, ignoring everything until it was convenient for you to join in discussion again.  By then the damage had been done and you had completely ignored the fact she threatened to put me in the hospital.

 

I hold my hands up to what I said and I can honestly admit that I do not regret any of it, because I meant every word.  

 

The problem now is that all you are concerned about is how are YOU going to cope? How are YOU going to deal with everything?  How is it all YOUR fault?

 

Number 1 – this isn’t ALL YOUR fault.  It’s you AND Kathleen.  You’re both responsible. 

Number 2 – what exactly do you have to cope with?  Yes you are dying.  Yes you have cancer.  At the end of it all you don’t have to deal with the fall out.  We do.

 

I’m 30 years old, I have various life long conditions which leave me a cripple spending most of the day in bed, my parents are divorcing – the person I’ve always called my dad decided to betray my mother in the worst possible way all because he’s a dickhead.  I wanna punch him in the throat but I want my dad.  And then you become a racist two faced bitch mostly because of Kathleen (and you can’t say you haven’t because we’ve all heard you throw around the word “Paki” far too openly), THEN when she shows her actual true colours YOU STICK UP FOR HER.

 

I am so fucking close to a complete mental breakdown and I don’t know what it’s going to do to me.  Half the time I feel like I’m going crazy, the rest of the time I feel nothing or want to rip my own skin off.

 

You have absolutely no idea how close I was to hurting myself again, after two years self harm free I wanted to hurt myself because it became abundantly clear that you will always pick Kathleen – for whatever reason I don’t fucking know because she spends half her time complaining about you.

 

Yes I love you, you’re my gran…. I hate the person you have become.  You’re not the same person I remember or maybe I’m seeing your own true colours – that when it all comes down to it – it’s all about you and nobody else.

 

I don’t know if I can forgive you for what you DIDN’T do. 

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