TMI – FMS things no-one talks about

I’ve actually been wanting to do this blog for a while and I’ve never really been able to put into words what it’s like.

After today I think I have the descriptions down. And yes….. this will get VERY VERY TMI.

BAM!!  Congratulations, you are now the proud sufferer of fibromyalgia (we’re gonna go for this one, because it’s the thing I know a fair amount about).  Everyone has told you about the pain and aches, but you never imaged how bad they would be.  You liken it to having flu however it doesn’t really do it justice.  You decide that on top of the flu, you are extremely sleep deprived – at least 5 days with an average of an hours un-restful sleep a night.   Still not enough, you then decide that you’ve fallen down the stairs and luckily, no broken bones….. but it sure as hell feels like it.

Your friends look at you; they don’t believe what you’re saying.

“You can’t be in THAT much pain! You’d never move!”

You smile and nod a little, knowingly – today is the first day you’ve put clothes on for at least a week.  You had a shower this morning and now you actually feel like death.  Your body temperature is going crazy because your thermostat seems to be defective.  One minute you’re sweating like you’re on Crematoria and the next moment it’s as if you’ve travelled to a different solar system, a different dimension, a different time period and you’re on Hoth.

You’re constantly wrapping yourself in blankets while leaving the AC or small desk fan blowing; even when it’s the middle of winter and there’s ice on the ground outside.

You get confused easily and forget the simplest of dates, pieces of info.  You literally live by the calendar in your phone.  You carry a notepad and pen with you everywhere but… forget to use it half the time.  Did you feed the dog today?  Didn’t you have an appointment? You’re sure there’s a birthday too…

Oh…. then there’s the other issues.  The ones that nobody told you about but you found out about them yourself.  Female? You may need to buy some lube for any fun times.  Male? May take you a while to orgasm.
Oh…OH….. where’s the bathroom?  Hurry up! You need it right this very second.  You’re body doesn’t care if you’re at a friend’s house, at a fancy restaurant, a coffee house, a wedding or a funeral… you need that bathroom now.  And no, you don’t need to urinate….

Remember that time you got pranked with laxative?  You thought it couldn’t get any worse.  You realise as your behind meets the seat that you were so very wrong about that.  This is worse – much worse.  The cramping is agony; feels like an entire soccer team has repeatedly kicked you in the gut.  You feel embarrassed because you have absolutely no control over what is happening and you’re gonna be in that bathroom for a while, regardless of how many people are waiting outside.

You sit there and pray to whatever god or goddess is listening for some relief – at least long enough for you to get home and deal with this in your own bathroom.  However you’re body has other plans and things turn decidedly…. liquid.  You make a decision then that curry for your dinner is out of the question and you may not, in fact, eat for a good two days while consuming only water.  You swear off coffee and caffeine drinks, even though they are the only things that keep you relatively awake.  You think up new meal plans of bland food that could in no way fuck with your system.  You whimper and bite your lip because even though, it’s stopped, you’re still cramping and you know you won’t feel clean until you’ve showered for half a day.

You resolve with the god/dess of your choosing that you will be good.  You will help others.  You won’t steal or lie.  You won’t do that thing that you’ve done before but only on special occasions… just PLEASE make it stop.

And finally….. it does.   You reach into your bag, because you’re a prepared person, and pull out wet wipes infused with aloe Vera especially for sensitive skin.  You clean yourself up and realise you may just need to put some cream on that when you get home because gods-damn it you have small haemorrhoids.  You wash your hands thoroughly and spray the room with the can of air freshener you carry specifically for this reason before slinking out the bathroom and leaving to go home.

You just about get to grips with all this, you’ve tried and tested more medications than you care to think about but you’ve found your winning combo! Praise the gods, old and new.

Then you read the side effects of your winning combo.  Itching. Rashes. Dry vagina/erectile dysfunction.  Diarrhoea. Heart palpitations.  Sweating. Cold sweats. Shivering. Seizures. Dry eyes. Wet ears.  Problems urinating.  Cramping. Sneezing.  Coughing. Weight loss/gain.  Hypersensitivity.  Numbness. Headaches. Bruising.  Dry skin.  Problems sleeping.  Drowsiness.

And today is only Tuesday.

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