Euch…. Just kinda explains everything im feeling right now.
🚩 Big ass trigger warnings ahead for angst, suicide and self harm. 🚩
Gran fell on Thursday the 9th and ended up cracking her head (and actually fracturing her skull) which resulted in a bleed on the brain.
She was trying to hammer in a screw cup-hook into a plastic door frame using a metal meat tenderiser. She got dizzy and down she went.
So…. Here i am, all moved in with gran because i felt guilty for not doing the damned hook when she asked me to do it. Myself and mum are working in shifts and its killing us both.
I feel so guilty and disgusted at myself because I’m starting to resent her.
Everything is still a joke. She wont show her true feelings so instead she’ll laugh at everything. Which pisses us all off because she never takes anything we say seriously.
It takes me a mother fucking hour to get her sorted and in bed. Because she stalls. For an example; she was falling asleep around half nine last night (Friday) so i gently woke her and said it was bed time. She was adamant she wasn’t asleep and was listening to the TV. No, she was asleep.
So when she finally starts getting ready at half ten and is sorted and in bed at 11.27pm…. I am damned sure she does it on purpose like a petulant child. She knows well enough i take my meds at 10.30 …. Any later and it takes me two hours to get to sleep. So at ten to ten when she asks for a hot chocolate…. Which she then lets go cold because she’s fallen asleep….
The night before (Thursday) she actually fell asleep in her chair HOLDING A CIGARETTE. Thankfully it was un-lit. But then i was the bitch because i wouldn’t let her smoke in bed! Fuck that, i do not wanna die in a house fire, thank you!
She doesn’t always wear her hearing aid…. So she asks us to speak up. So we do and get told not to shout.
She doesn’t like us telling her what she can and cant do. Even though its for her health. We’re the ones nagging and a confining her. We’re the bad guys.
Apparently we don’t know what it feels like to be confined to the house. FUCK YES I DO; bitch i cannot go anywhere unless mum or someone else is with her because she cannot be left on her own.
My breakdown has started. I know it has, i know the signs. Yes i want to self harm, yes I’ve had thoughts of suicide. FFS i cant even go see my GF because it would mean leaving gran on her own and mum cant stay over night yet. I will be so fucking grateful if/when the lovely Macmillan Nurses can get carers put in place so i can at least get away.
Oh and the best part….. We’re still homeless. Even on the paperwork for gran’s house, we would have to live with her a year before she died to be eligible to keep the house. If gran sees Christmas it will be a fucking miracle. We’re actually classed as transients because we’re between homes.
I have a Dr appointment on monday and i hope to fuck i get better anti depressants.
And yes, gran knows im suicidal. She knows i self harm. She doesn’t seem to care. I need a badge label saying “Skivvy”.