13 Reasons Why

…Normally I wouldn’t post two blogs in a week but, after finishing the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why I had to get my thoughts down.  I made this post in a FB group and realised shortly after that, I should share it as much as I can.  I don’t wanna stay silent… That’s the point, or one of them, of the series. 

If you wanna read my last blog about feeling abandoned, click the link.  

However…. First.  Please read my experience… And if you’re feeling suicidal or struggling with self harm, bullying ….anything….. please PLEASE seek help.  It is out there, I promise you. Life will get better and there is never any shame in asking for help. 

I just finished 13 Reasons Why and…. I knew roughly what was gonna happen, I knew the outline. 

I didnt expect it to affect me the way it did. I can’t even put into words how im feeling right now.

I went through bullying; name calling, beating, rumours. Every. Single. Day. 

All through school from age 7 to 18.

I have stupid phobias because of what kids did to me… I make a joke out of them but…. It really fucking hurts to realise WHY you fear the dark and spiders and wasps and swimming pools…. And not just the normal fear of them creeping you out or whatever – but a deep down complete fear that can paralyse you in a second.

Being beaten to the point where I STILL have dents in my shin bones; no, they didn’t break my legs but I was left with permanent problems. 

Being held down while kids try to make spiders bite you and wasps sting you. 

Being choked. 

Three “class mates” holding you under water and trying to drown you multiple times. 

Having your legs jumped on to the point where you change how you stand so it doesn’t hurt and now your legs are twisted and you’re too old to have it fixed now.

I told anyone who would listen to me until it became obvious the only person listening was my mum. We didn’t have a school councellor.   Then I discovered that the people making my life hell, were infact telling teachers a load of B.S. about me… So it was always my fault.

Nothing was ever done; even when I almost lost my foot to an infection caused by a bully standing on my foot and breaking my toe. 

Nothing was ever done. Nothing ever changed for me.

I was always the one in trouble for “acting out”. They never once questioned why. They didn’t care. 

And as long as they never acknowledged a bullying problem…. They didn’t have one. 

My only solace was that if it was happening to me it wouldn’t be happening to anyone else. I hoped.

And now I have PTSD, depression and anxiety. I haven’t had flashbacks in… over ten years. I surpressed the shit out of them…. Just to get by…. Last night they started again after watching 13 Reasons Why because it brought everythind back.

I know exactly how Hannah felt. I’ve felt that hopelessness and loneliness, the utter despair and uncertainty. I know what it’s like to want to kill myself and what it’s like to believe the world would be better off.

I never ever want anyone else to feel like that.

For the love of everything; consider that your actions, inactions, words… They have an effect.  A long lasting effect.  They stick with people and cause some seriously fucked up problems.  You probably think the series is over played or exaggerated in some way… It’s not.  It happens.  It is a butterfly effect.  Your words or lack of them, your actions or lack of them can be the cause of something else.  

It’s quite simple; don’t be a dick. Treat people well.  Stand up for that kid who’s getting bullied and show them not everyone is like that. Be the hope in someone else’s life… All you have to do is be nice, take the time to talk to them, make a new friend. Listen to them.  

One thought on “13 Reasons Why

  1. I’m so sorry to hear this happened to you. I got bullied at school a few times but at the (relatively posh) girls school I went to it was never physical bullying always emotional. The fact it’s come with you into adulthood both emotionally and physically is really upsetting. But the fact that you are still here makes you a really fucking strong person. You’ve battled a lot and continue to battle and for that I admire you. I hope the people who committed these heinous acts habe watched 13 Reasons and perhaps now understand the consequences of what they did to you.

    Liked by 1 person

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