I want to preface this with a content warning and place it all under a cut as it does deal with weight loss and as someone who still fights an eating disorder – I understand. So PLEASE, if you feel this post will trigger you in ANY way, don’t read on. I totally get it and understand.
Recovery is always possible and attainable.
Today I recorded my current weight loss – I started the year at 22St (308lbs) and that was after losing a few pounds due to a kick up the ass from a liver specialist.
It’s June 26th 2017 as I write this and I am now 245lbs (17st 7 and a half ish).
Last year after some routine blood tests for something else, I was referred to a liver specialist because various markers and stuff were completely out of whack. Long story short; my liver was as screwed as it could be without actully failing. I was told in no uncertain terms that I absolutely had to lose weight or my liver will fail, without question. There were other things, however weight loss was number one on the list.
I know from experience that specialists like to throw that at everyone who is overweight. I’ve had it before. This was different.
Cirrhosis of the liver really isn’t fun. Mine was a mix of my weight (I was 24st – 336lbs – at my heaviest), the five years on cocodamol and another of my medications and possibly the fact that between the ages of 19 and 24 I would binge drink every weekend, to the point of passing out. Note; by “weekend” I mean Wednesday to Saturday inclusive. As well as using some illegal substances on a fairly regular basis.
I was told that I was tap-dancing on the tight rope between a working liver and a failing liver. It was the kick up the butt. I didn’t ever want to have to have a transplant; the thought terrified me. So I made a resolution that day to start my journey for the sake of my health.
Notice that nowhere in this have I said anything about the way I look. I was fucking gorgeous and magical at 336lbs, and to be fair it’s only since I’ve been larger that I even found body confidence. At my smallest – the height of my battle with anorexia – I was 126lbs; 9st exactly. I’m a rather tall person. Due to the issues with my back I’ve actually lost height; at the time of my lowest weight I was 14 and 6ft 1inch (I’m now 5ft 10 and a half). Back then I hated myself – I wouldn’t look in a mirror because I felt worse. I absolutely had to cover up because all I saw was fat, cellulite, stretch marks. My 14 y/o mind had been brainwashed by cultural society and my school peers to see all these things as bad.
I’m now 31 and it took me until as recent as 2015 to finally realise that these are things that EVERYONE has at all sizes. Photoshop is a thing. So I put down my weapons and stopped fighting myself. I stopped using food as a reward or a way to cope with my emotions and started eating for nourishment. At the same time, even through all the stressful bullshit of my home life, I listened to my body and started to eat only when I was actually hungry. I didn’t stop eating “bad” foods – there aren’t any bad foods and good foods. They’re just foods and it isn’t about what I eat; just how much of it. I exercise as much as my body will let me due to my chronic illnesses… As I’ve lost weight, this has become easier; my Fibromyalgia and arthritis isn’t giving me as many problems which drives me forward to keep going.
I don’t want to lose excess amounts – I’ve been advised that for my height the lowest I should be is 13 st (182lbs). That still seems too low to me; I don’t have a goal – I’m just doing this a day at a time.
If you wanna see what comments kicked off my need to write this post then just click here… It goes to a post on my IG featuring screen shots from twitter – I’ve redacted the tweeter. The twitter posts popped up shortly after I posted my latest weight loss progress; so whether the posts were about me or just coincidence, I honestly don’t know. I like to think it was just coincidence.
So here’s “the thing” (and I’m using myself as an example because it’s easier) … Just because I’m losing weight for my health doesn’t mean I can’t still be body positive… And that’s the same for everyone.
I was beautiful then and I’m beautiful now. Your beauty is not defined by the size of your body. Your health is not defined by the size of your body. Your body positivity is not defined by the changing size of your body.
There seems to be this huge myth within certain areas of the BoPo community that you can only be body positive (when plus size) as long as you don’t openly talk about (your) weight loss. That is total bullshit.
The moment it stops being body positive is when you start posting about losing weight because you “feel fat”, “feel gross”, “need to fit this dress”, “bikini body”, “baby weight” etc etc. THAT is not being body positive, that is being fat-phobic.
You don’t need to lose weight to fit a specific outfit – you’ll rock it regardless of your size. You will look amazing.
Your body carried, nourished and pushed out a small human being. Trust me when I say that it really doesn’t matter about baby weight. You look amazing. You’re a mum. Enjoy motherhood and do not worry about a bit of extra tum or stretch marks and trying to get rid of them. You look amazing. You look beautiful. Love yourself.
You already have a body all you need is the bikini; put it on and BAM one bikini body. Wannabe “beach ready”? Easy – throw on some beach sandles, grab your sunnies and a hat, towel, a bag and sun cream (don’t forget lots of water – stay hydrated!) There you go! You’re now beach ready!
- Having fat
- Having cellulite
- Having stretch marks
- Having tummy/back rolls
- Having “bingo wings”
- Having large thighs
- Having large calves
- Having a double chin
- Having full cheeks
- Having large anything
IS NOT BAD!
EQUALLY… Choosing to change your body is not bad and doesn’t automatically mean that you’re no longer body positive. Nobody should make you feel negatively about your journey in any way.
Body positivity isn’t size specific* – you can be proud of your weight loss while still teaching body positivity and being body positive.
Love yourself at any size, shape and consistency and be proud of who you are and your journey.
You don’t lose your “BoPo Card” when you lose weight and talk about it.
* I mean this; Body Positivity is for everyone of every size and shape – this post is just specifically about plus size and weight loss. Thank you for understanding.
I would really appreciate if you checked out my last blog – it’s about invisible disabilities and not feeling “disabled enough”… All will make sense when you read it. Thank you.