Questioning Beliefs. Is there a God?

It’s not until the hands of death reach for a loved one that we start questioning any of our beliefs… At least that’s what I’ve found about myself.

This blog won’t be for everyone and please know that NONE of what I say is meant to cause offence. I need to get shit off my chest and I feel this is the only way I can do it.

So is there “A God”?

An all seeing, all knowing, all mighty.

As I sit and contemplate many things, including my own mortality (which sends me in an anxiety spiral I can barely get out of), that no… I don’t believe there is a single all-being God that controls, wills, protects, loves…

With my current personal situation, my beloved 82 year old gran is dying. She had cancer of the lungs and that’s moved up her spine to her brain. We didn’t know that ’till a couple of months back. We were told she had dementia; and in many ways she does… But it’s caused by the cancer taking over her brain.

Five days ago, she started to rapidly decline. Gran can no longer swallow anything, her breathing is rough and shallow, can barely talk except to call for her husband Joe – who has been dead 21 years – and…. God.

We’ve been praying to whomever will listen. Friends have prayed. Family have prayed…. All for an easy, pain free passing and that her suffering will end and she will be at peace.

As yet, our collective prayers have not been answered. By anyone. No signs. No messages. My Gran goes on suffering and we continue waiting and praying that she will pass peacefully in her sleep to go to her father, her mother, her husband and into the arms of whomever she believes in. Because when that happens, her suffering will end. Her pain will end. Her confusion will end. Her weakness will end. She will be restored to her health in the afterlife.

We were once accused of wishing Gran dead. No. We don’t WANT her to die, we expected her to live forever. As ridiculous as that sounds, we all believed it. What we all want, is an end to her suffering.

If God was real, surely he would be kind and take pity on her. He would end the pain. He would welcome her and assure her there is nothing to be afraid of.

So why hasn’t he? Why would she rather cling to life by her frail fingertips than be at peace?

Gran has lived a full life. Raised three children and made sure her first son was given a life she couldn’t provide. She’s lived. Seen so much, done so much. There has been heartbreak. However the happy times and memories far outweigh them. She has no unfinished business.

So, to whatever ethereal being is out there, whomever is watching over us… I’ve thought it, I’ve spoken it and now I’m typing it… don’t let her suffering continue.

Let her know she has nothing to fear. That we will never forget her. That her parents, husband, step-son, best friend, past pets… Are all going to look after her. She will never be alone.

Mum, Uncle & Aunt have all told her this but she doesn’t believe it. If you’re out there, she’ll believe you.

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