This blog may upset and/or offend. Idgaf.
It’s my Gran’s funeral on Friday… and I don’t want to go. I don’t feel the need or the point. However, I have no choice.
I saw my Gran last week at the rooms of rememberence. Never seen a dead body before; it was quite the experience and one I will, sadly, never forget.
That wasn’t my gran in there – it was just a corpse. She was long gone before she ever got in that coffin. I said my goodbyes a long time ago.
Her funeral is this Friday (8th September); I don’t see the point in me going.
To do what?
Remember her? I can remember her without going.
Say goodbye? Already done that.
Send her off? Where..? She’s already gone.
What exactly is the point in me going to do something I’ve already done? So I can do it again, in a different place with different people (at least three of which I never want to see again).
However; I have absolutely zero choice. If I don’t go I will never hear the end of it from my mother. One way or another it would be a guilt trip; whether it was on purpose or not is another matter.
On Friday after, at the wake… I wanna tell three of our “family” members to fuck off and do themselves and never come back cuz we don’t fucking need them and we have no money so we ain’t any use to them.
So here I am with one hell of a choice to make….
Choice 1: go anyway; anxiety attacks ahead, be the dutiful daughter.
Choice 2: don’t go, don’t have anxiety attacks but incur the everlasting wrath of my mother who would literally never forgive me ever for “abandoning” her when she needed me.
Quite a fucking choice, right?!