So, it’s that time of year again where I sit, or lay, and reflect upon the last year of my life. Thing I’ve done wrong and learned lessons from, things that went incredibly right through nothing but luck (😂) and things that I wish had never happened.
So what am I thinking of? What sticks out? Read on and find out.
Two amazing things from this year stick out.
One will be mentioned only in passing; not because it means any less but because it means so much, and I made a promise I will happily stick to.
I have contact with my biological father. Things are going good. Lots has been spoken about and I can openly say I am not angry or upset. I am happy. The promise I made is that subjects spoken about and other things will be kept private. I am happy to do that.
This year, I also got engaged. ♥️ How can I actually convey a feeling into words without getting cheesy? Or is that just not possible knowing how much of a soft romantic soppy sod I am?
This lady right here is amazing in every way. Good times, bad times, weird times. She has stuck with me in friendship and in relationship. I know I don’t have to be someone else, I can just be me. When I fuck up she’ll call me out on it, not so I change who I am – just so I can be a better me and I am 100% A-OK with that. I know that I can tell Vicky anything; I don’t have to cover up how I’m feeling when I have a bad day or week. If my head is screwing me around I can tell her without issue and know that she can talk stuff out with me. On the flip, I hope that Vicky knows all this is true of me too; she doesnt have to be anyone but herself and can talk to me about anything, everything and more.
One (summer) night we’ll have that “go-out-and-watch-the-stars-get-drunk-and-talk-about-the-universe” date.
I’ll also, happily and unreservedly, spend the rest of my life loving you, making you (PURPLE) smile and laugh, making you happy. I’ll be your shoulder to cry on, arms to hold you close, lips to tell you how amazing you are and that you/it/we/everything will be okay because we can get through whatever it is. I’ll be the first to say meow or to growl “bubbles”. I hate arguing and most likely we’re both right in different ways.
The big negative of this year was of course gran’s rapidly declining health and then death. Though it was heartbreaking, it was also a release. Knowing that my dearest granny was no longer in any pain, she isn’t suffering. She happy and whole and with my grandpop, Uncle Dennis, Godmother Gill, Great Gramps…. Of course the trio of puppers too; Sophie, Sasha, Suki.
It wasn’t easy watching mum go through it all. The day of the funeral was tough. We had family travel from Lancashire and Yorkshire (the banter was amazing 😂, gran would have appreciated it).
Certain family members were pissed about who mum and myself chose to sit up front with us. Two chosen family members. Sometimes, blood really doesn’t mean anything, and that’s fine. Sometimes it can take a family death to show you who your true family is and who was only there for what they could get.
Medical stuff happened; doesn’t it always?
I came off my anti-depressants. All of them. I am no longer on a dedicated anti-depressant; I am on a pain killer that has a side effect of having anti-depressive effects. It seems that’s taking the edge off… But I still struggle.
I sat and counted back; I have been cut free for over five years. I say cut free because I found creative ways to get the same feeling but without actually harming myself. Piercings and tattoos are wonderful therapy. Equally… If I have an injury that scabs over, I do find myself absently lifting it. When I realise, I stop and make sure it’s clean. I’m getting better at stopping myself.
Med changes, diagnosis, theorising. It’s all happened. I watched a TV show… Realised I had been lied to (sort of). The last psych team I saw told me I had dissociative identity disorder (D.I.D.) “more commonly known as borderline personality disorder (BPD).” I took them at their word but some things didn’t make sense. Especially the fact BPD doesn’t usually come with voices.
D.I.D. is what used to be called multiple personalities. I’ve had it years, since I was a kid and the schools, the councelling, the child psychologist… Never picked up on that or my autism.
Once learning that, everything made sense to me and mum and those who have known me for so very long.
This year (for me) has been a year of learning. About myself, about others, about dreams and aspirations. About realities and what is physically possible VS a genuine pipe dream.
I’ve lost a few friends along the way and I did blame myself. I told the truth. I said what was true and factual. Or an opinion based on information at hand.
Not my fault. I have to stop blaming myself for when someone either cannot see my point of view and how I got to my opinion or when they flat out refuse to even try. They must deal with that themselves; I’m not here to try and “fix” (? Bad word choice, I know, I can’t think of the word I actually want to use though) people. They have to fix themselves when they’re ready.
I won’t say “Next year I plan to…” Because I don’t know what is round the corner. I will do what I have been doing; I will take life day by day. I will base decisions on what information is at hand at the time and I will admit my wrongs with the hope of making them right, where possible. I must also learn I cannot right every wrong and that is also not necessarily all my fault. I must let go of guilt.
I’ll make sure that those I love and care for know. I’ll make sure they know they are important to me and are very much important to the universe, too.
On my worse days… I’ll tell myself I am important to the Universe and that even though I may not know what – I am here for a reason; even if that reason is to just be. It’s enough. I am enough.
Before I go; in memory of Gran, I’ll be doing the Cancer Research 5K Race for Life on June 3rd 2018. To donate what you can please click here and you’ll go to my just giving page. I wasn’t gonna do any more because I suffer after… But this is for a Legend.