Yes… That is a Simpsons Movie reference – because it felt right!
You ever have those moments where you read something and go through a thought process and –BAM– shit hits you like a truck?
Yeah, well I just had one of those moments at 2am while scrolling tumblr because I still can’t sleep at night (that is a WHOLE OTHER BLOG for the future. Not now.)
It was only three-ish weeks ago that I was talking to mum about not being able to forgive you for what you did to her and to me – mostly to her; that’s my moogie and I’m very protective.
It’s weird, the conversations that are spurned forth by watching re-runs of Jeremy Kyle because there’s fuck all else on.
I said my thing, that I couldn’t see me forgiving you for what you did because of how much it still hurt. Mum said that either way those feelings were personal to me and valid.
Here we are, three-ish weeks later and I’m reading a thing on Tumblr and I type out a reply because it just flows and makes sense and I post it and… –BAM– there I am stood in front of my own Epiphatree (however no throat-singing boobie-lady).
There we are. If we’re honest when someone has wronged us so bad that we cut off all ties, they never deserve that forgiveness from us, ever – however it’s exhausting for us and isn’t conducive to a positive mental attitude. Let’s face it, my mental health isn’t the greatest and I need all the help I can get.
By not giving that forgiveness and meaning it, it’s like holding yourself to ransom over someone that doesn’t deserve any of your emotion and it keeps them there, niggling away like a slow burn.
When you actually forgive someone you’re not agreeing that anything they did was right. You’re not saying “hey, you had the right to hurt me” and it doesn’t make you weak.
You’re saying “I take away your right to further impact on my life in any negative way”… At least, that’s how I see it.
You forgive because you yourself deserve that peace. You deserve to let it all go and leave your spirit and soul unburdened by it.
So here goes, because Goddesses Damnit I deserve peace….
For the years of
- Everything else that we probably have no idea about and I genuinely no longer care about….
I forgive you.
I want to be clear that I’m not just saying this; I’m no longer just going through the motions. My mental health is my responsibility and I have to be proactive in my recovery, regardless of how long that takes.
I genuinely mean those three words – You Are Forgiven.
What you did wasn’t right by any stretch of the imagination and I do so wish you had just had the balls to tell us; things could have been different – That said, it doesn’t mean I would have preferred you to stay and live miserably, thus making our lives miserable in the process.
I guess looking back (hindsight is a 20/20 bitch) none of us were happy.
So I forgive you. I have zero doubt that if, by any chance, you read this it won’t affect you in the slightest – you never did have an issue sleeping like a baby at night and that’s fine, because this isn’t for your benefit.
However, I deserve to let all that shit go and not give you any of my time or precious emotions; you’re simply not worth either of them any more and I’d rather free up the disk space for those who are.
Have the last two years been easy? No, not at all – there’s been a lot of heartbreak and revelations.
Have the last two years, over all, been happier than we were before we found out? Yes, without a doubt. No more walking on eggshells and just going through the motions of a happy family that was obviously a lie.
Don’t get me wrong; even though you’re forgiven, you’re still a Bastard – the two are not mutually exclusive.
I’ll let Karma get on with whatever she has planned; she always get it right, without question.