Everything I Want To Tell You

Dearest Granny…

Today is your first birthday in heaven; you would have been 83. I hope you’re comfortable and that everyone is looking after you; I know you visit us because sometimes I swear it’s just like you’re stood behind me. It’s comforting.

I miss you greatly. There’s so many things that I want to tell you and it hurts so badly to realise that I can’t any more. I’ve been trying to figure out how I could get it out of my system and what better way than to write it all down…? Today seemed like the best day for it… I know that somehow it will get to you in the ether.

Where shall we start? Well… I gave up smoking on the 5th October 2017 and I haven’t had one since – I feel much better for it and so does my bank account.

Vicky and I are engaged 💍 You always said she was the right one for me; you always said you knew we were meant to be together. We have no date set because there’s no rush for these things – we want to sort out finances and move in together first but these things take time. The ball will get rolling when it’s meant too; I still believe everything happens when it’s supposed too.

Shelby is doing great, still loves belly fusses and has the happiest butt wiggle. We were all right; she is Jack Russell mixed with Welsh Corgie 🐾 not that it changes a damn thing – she’s my pupper and she has a vendetta against my hamster (I got him while you were still with us, but you were so confused I didnt push the topic to tell you). He’s called Quark Lemmiwinks and he’s a little fuzzbutt. He teases Shelby just by being awake and Shelby forever wants to chase and eat… She doesn’t understand “we don’t eat family members”.

Mum is doing okay… She see’s the specialist next week and he’s gonna run some tests to see how much voldelump has grown; we know it has grown but aren’t sure how much, we just know it’s bigger than the 4cmx2cm it was 4 years ago. I know you’ll be watching over her and giving support from where you are; she’s scared and I don’t blame her, so am I – the risks are bigger this time.

I found dad and he found me – I guess we found each other? Things are going well and I’m hoping to be able to meet him soon; excited and nervous at the same time about that – there’s always that slight fear that things will be awkward? But that’s to be expected, I’m sure everything will be fine overall.

I found my body confidence… You always supported me the best you could without fully understanding what it felt like and I’m very grateful for that. It’s strange the things you realise about yourself at the oddest of times…. But again, I guess the universe knew I was ready for it. I may not look like a Victoria Secret model or a Playboy Bunny… And that’s fine. I look like me and I look good. I don’t love myself yet… But I am working on it a bit at a time – I’m a work in progress.

Still don’t quite know what I’m doing with my life but, who does these days? I always thought that by the time I was 30 I’d have everything figured out – how naive was I at 14? Was still naive at 20 and it’s taken me ’til 32 to realise that not knowing what I’m doing is totally okay… The fact I’m here is an achievement within itself.

On that note… I’m six years self harm free; when I feel the urge, if I feel the urge, I’ll do something else… I’ll put that energy into writing, drawing, gaming… Even an angry walk is better than the alternative. I’ve tattooed myself a few times and pierced my ears too …. But afterwards I have something to show for it; I don’t just have cuts and scars.

I have a new hobby or three. I’ve got into origami, scrapbooking, 3D doodle pens, actual digital art… Even drew you a while back. May have another go now because I’ve improved and have more pictures of you.

I love you and I miss you; I wish you were still here… But I wouldn’t ever want you to be suffering. Always said you were gonna live to 100 for your telegram from The Queen and I feel like a jinxed it by saying that… But now you’re with Grandpop again, so swings and roundabouts?

You can visit any time; I’ll always know when it’s you. I hope you’d be proud of me Gran.

Love Kayleigh xxxxxxxx

P.S. doing the Race For Life in your memory with Roxie. Uncle Tigger is right; you were and are a legend. ♥️♥️♥️

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