A food confession [Content Warning]

I’m going to put everything under a cut for this ones. 

  • Content Warning for food talk & TMI info.
  • Trigger Warning for disordered eating.

It’s no secret that I’ve suffered from eating disorders and disordered eating since I was very young – roughly 9 or 10 years old – and though I got a decent handle on it by the time I was 17, food has generally always been a bit of a fight.

Much of this fight can be explained now by autism.  I’ve been very hypersensitive to certain food textures and mixes since I was a baby; I love the flavour of most things but the texture makes me physically sick – not just feel sick but I will actually vomit.  I love the flavour of many fruits and vegetables but the textures completely throw me for a loop.  I adore smoothies but I can’t have any pulp or seeds.  I love yoghurts but they can’t have fruit pieces in them; I don’t mind jam/sauce that I can mix in and not feel? But actually fruit pieces is a negative.

This doesn’t just apply to fruit and vegetables but ALL food groups; so as you can imagine it’s quite a trick finding something I like the taste and texture of – add to this that I can’t eat meat as much – In fact I shouldn’t be eating it at all; just small amounts cause such an upset stomach that I don’t leave the bathroom for quite a while.  If it isn’t diarrhoea then it’s vomiting and both are paired with excruciating cramps, headaches and dizziness.  From what I can tell it’s something to do with meat protein – I’ve always been sensitive to protein as an example, I can eat eggs unless they’re baked/cooked in something.  So cakes, cookies, yorkshire puddings, pancakes etc… that’s all fine but I can’t have egg fried anything, I can’t eat boiled eggs etc.  [I can eat meringue… the egg white holds minimal to no proteins whereas the egg yolk has it all.]

Too much protein and I will either cramp to the point of passing out, be stuck on a toilet or projectile vomit for hours… depending on how much I have.  Sometimes I’ve been known to do all of the above at the same time then pass out for a few hours.

I can’t have anything with almonds in. Not just food but ANY product including moisturisers.  My allergy to almonds is so severe that if, for example, Vicky were to eat something with almonds in we wouldn’t be able to holds hands or kiss; I wouldn’t even be able to sleep beside her because of how foods are absorbed into our bodies.  I can have a contact rash or go right up to anaphylaxis.

I used to enjoy food.  I used to look forward to food and enjoy its tastes but since I’ve had to cut so much out or I’ve tried new things and discovered a severe dislike for it… I no longer look forward to meal times.  It took me a lot of thinking and mental flow charts to figure out that I would be incredibly happy if I didn’t need to eat.

I don’t mean it in any way that means I would be unhealthy or do damage to myself, neither do I mean it in a way that implies I’m unhappy with my body image.  This is 100% from a standpoint of…I no longer enjoy food and I only eat to sustain myself.  I’d be more than happy to live off smoothies for life but equally… I don’t think my gut would thank me.

I don’t enjoy cooking; I find it such a chore and by the time I’ve finished cooking I don’t want what I’ve made anymore.  Ready meals are great but so fucking unhealthy and all the veggie ones I like the sound of turn out to have weird textures that mean they end up going in the bin.  I’ve found some nice veggie foods by quorn that I like… but 90% of them have a weird after taste.  Not necessarily bad after tastes; just weird.  There’s only so many ways you can cook pasta or add to potato based meals.  As much as I love pizza I’m sick of it.

I’m so tired and bored of not enjoying food because it means when I do eat it’s all the wrong stuff which in itself is gonna cause issues.  I real through recipes and it all sounds amazing then I realise that half the ingredients I don’t like the textures of and even if I did by the time I made it, it would make a nice instagram picture before going in the bin unless someone else ate it.

I’d rather go hungry than waste food.

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