Category Archives: updates

Life updates and stuff!

So, it’s that time of year again where I sit, or lay, and reflect upon the last year of my life. Thing I’ve done wrong and learned lessons from, things that went incredibly right through nothing but luck (😂) and things that I wish had never happened.

So what am I thinking of? What sticks out? Read on and find out.

Continue reading Life updates and stuff!

Dear Dementia….

I hate you. I hate you more than anything in the world.

Never again will I hear my gran’s sing song voice; now it’s nothing but a dry rasp.

Never again will I listen to her stories from youth; they’re replaced with mumblings of events that never happened – today we all died in a plane crash and she thought we were ghosts.

Never again will I enjoy her amazing humour and quick wit; it’s now replaced with a confused look that longs for understanding.

Never again will I see her give a warm loving smile and a twinkle in her eyes; instead a vacant expression greets me except for the fleeting moment she recognised me and told me she loved me.

Never again will I hold a conversation about anything; her responses are confused and make no sense.

Never again will I make new memories with her.

There’s so much I want to tell her but she will forget.  I want to share my happiness, my sadness…. But she doesn’t understand.

Dear Dementia; you stole my gran from me and I want her back, so badly.  

My liver and my ED.

I have no idea where this one is gonna go and I have no “plan” to be able to keep it in any order so…. You’ll just have to bare with me….

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I was at the liver specialist today because, well my liver is gonna fail if I don’t make changes to my life. I have NAFLD (non alcoholic fatty liver disease) and my blood test sheet said something about cirrohcis …. Which is always fun…

The exact words used by the Dr (who was a cross between an asshat and a nice guy…) were “lose weight or your liver will fail soon and you’ll die.” 

There’s a very thin line between a working liver and failing…. I’m tap dancing on that line.

I totally get why he said it, and truth is I KNOW I have to lose weight, I’ve been trying for two years. I have lost a little as I’m now 20st 7lbs…. I was 21st 4lbs. I’ve also lost an inch in height which annoyed me.

The problem with me and dieting… Or in this case a complete change of lifestyle is that I’ve battled Eating Disorders since I was 10… And I know by doing this I’m risking slipping back into old ways which, could happen very easily with me.  I have an addictive personality and once I get on something…. I don’t let go.  I don’t do things by half.  

So now, there’s gonna be a fight between my liver and my ED… And I don’t know which one will win.  The damage to my liver can’t actually be reversed; I can only stop it from getting worse…. Which the Dr said can’t happen without it failing at this point.  

I’ve also got to stop smoking. Insert hysterical laughter here. That I will work on, once I’ve started losing weight. At the very least, I’ll cut the fuck down. 

So here I am… Facing my own mortality at 30 unless I make some big changes.  The horrible thing is he didn’t offer me any help.  I have to go to my own GP for that.  I’m gonna stock up on yoghurt, slim fast and weight watchers.   

I can’t have wheat and gluten, anything high protein makes me violently sick (projectile vomit for about 10 feet) – which means eggs, quorn mince and stuff like that is out.  I can’t eat nuts (allergy), only fish I eat is tuna (and not tuna steak either), I eat a lot of chicken, rice, pasta, fries are oven done. I rarely eats crisps or chocolate any more cuz it makes me feel sick.   

From what I’m reading I can eat as much veg as I want, not too much fruit cuz of the sugar, gotta try and stay away from potatoes and rely on lentils, pasta, fish, lean red meat, chicken. Stay away from the processed stuff and cheese.  All my drinks have to be sugar free or low sugar. 

There’s so much I need to buy and the sad thing is, it won’t be cheap – it never is…. But I won’t start on that right now.

I choose to live…. No matter how I do it. I choose to live. 

A year in review

Well this weekend marks a year since we found out about your lies and mum told you where to go.

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This year hasn’t be easy and I’m pretty sure we’re being punished for shit from a past life…. However there have been a lot more laughs, more heart felt conversations and I’m closer to my mum than before.

It’s not until someone is gone from your life that you realise how much they actually controlled every situation for their own ends, no matter what they were. 

I may have lost my dad, the “man” who stepped up to look after a child that wasn’t his… But in the process I found myself. 

Yes I do miss my dad, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.  There are times I’ll see something funny and think “oh dad would….” And I have to stop myself from saving it or forwarding the link on to you.

I know there is no chance in hell you’ll see this.  You were never interested in reading my blog or knowing what was going on with me; for the longest time I didn’t realise that and when I did, it hurt. It physically hurt me because up until the last few months before you left, I made the effort to listen to you and make sure you were okay.  Obviously you were a better liar than we give you credit for.

It’s strange how we measure years…. Most people its jan-dec but when something traumatic happens it can skew your perception of time without you even knowing.  Our new year didn’t start on Jan 1st and it won’t start until the divorce proceedings are over and we’ve moved.  Once the house is actually sold and we’ve moved out and the divorce is finalised we never have to think of you again. 

I’ll tell you a secret…. And I know you wouldn’t care.  The last time you came round, to help with the boiler you fucked up, it was me who had to call you because you wouldn’t answer the phone to mum and you didn’t even look at me.  You didn’t ask after me. You were cold and calculated and you weren’t my dad. 

I cried for an hour and didn’t sleep that night because of how shitty I felt.  Because of how your actions made me feel.

I think mum and I deserve happiness in our lives – we deserve some good luck and good Karma.  If anyone deserves the shit it’s you and your whore.  You’re the ones who only thought of yourselves.

That being said, I hope the coming months and years give you everything you deserve. May your wedding be….  Interesting. Thats if you do get married. It wouldn’t surprise me if one or both of you decided to move onto the next poor sap. 

Have fun. Live your life and may it ever be full of what you deserve. 

Gran and health stuff

I’m staring blanky at the page and i have no clue where to even start with this blog so… It may jump around but, right now that’s what my brain is like.

Gran has lost the plot and her marbles are starting to scatter at an alarming rate.  You cant hold a conversation with her because what you say and what she hears, aren’t in sync.

Continue reading Gran and health stuff

how PokemonGo is helping me battle depression.

OK so imma add in a little background info about just why im so excited about PokemonGo.

If you’re new to my blog – I have depression, borderline personality, bipolar and depression.


when pokemon first came out, we didn’t have the money for the handheld or the games.  they were just far too expensive, so while everyone was playing the card game or the Gameboy, I had a sega mega drive (which I absolutely loved, it was my first gaming console).

Continue reading how PokemonGo is helping me battle depression.

An update on ME.

So a couple of days ago i updated on gran and whats going on with her.  Well i doubt im gonna see her much now due to the way she’s acting so until further notice or there’s a big change – no more updates on gran.  And yes I love her dearly and i know when her time comes im gonna miss her – i already miss her because she’s not the same woman from even three months ago. 

So…. On to me.  I’ve had to have five pages of liver function blood tests and i also need a scan on my liver.  At the very least i have a fatty liver and on the other end of the scale… Well I’ll cross that bridge as and when I get to it.  

My dr is amazing and said no matter what is going on, she is sure it can be dealt with.  I have lost 14lbs since i was last weighed earlier this year so im proud of that considering im on four different meds with added side effects of weight gain while only one of the meds im on has the side effect of weight loss.

We’ve sold the house and the date we have to be out by is Sept 2nd which isn’t that far away when I think about it. So much shit is happening at once and…. Euch.  Euch just about covers how i feel about most things now.

Euch. An update.

Euch…. Just kinda explains everything im feeling right now.

🚩 Big ass trigger warnings ahead for angst, suicide and self harm. 🚩

Gran fell on Thursday the 9th and ended up cracking her head (and actually fracturing her skull) which resulted in a bleed on the brain. 

She was trying to hammer in a screw  cup-hook into a plastic door frame using a metal meat tenderiser. She got dizzy and down she went.

Continue reading Euch. An update.

Week away + eventful day

Sooooo i spent the last few days with my lovely lady Vicky, we had a really relaxed time. Lots of laughs and gaming with Minecraft pocket edition. Movies. YouTube. Snuggles. Perfect. We even peopled on Tuesday so i rewarded us with McDonald’s.

I got home on Friday; the journey, although seated, was hot and sticky and Euch. 

Continue reading Week away + eventful day