So, it’s that time of year again where I sit, or lay, and reflect upon the last year of my life. Thing I’ve done wrong and learned lessons from, things that went incredibly right through nothing but luck (😂) and things that I wish had never happened.
So what am I thinking of? What sticks out? Read on and find out.
This blog may upset and/or offend. Idgaf.
It’s my Gran’s funeral on Friday… and I don’t want to go. I don’t feel the need or the point. However, I have no choice.
I’ve wrote, deleted and re-wrote this so many times because, nothing seems to do my Gran any justice.
I always found it strange how people would say when someone dies they suddenly turn in to a saint.
I will preface this with a CW.
There’s a lot of pent-up anger directed at two family members in this post.
Like… A lot; bordering on rage.
So the entire thing will go behind a cut.
It’s not until the hands of death reach for a loved one that we start questioning any of our beliefs… At least that’s what I’ve found about myself.
This blog won’t be for everyone and please know that NONE of what I say is meant to cause offence. I need to get shit off my chest and I feel this is the only way I can do it.
I hate you. I hate you more than anything in the world.
Never again will I hear my gran’s sing song voice; now it’s nothing but a dry rasp.
Never again will I listen to her stories from youth; they’re replaced with mumblings of events that never happened – today we all died in a plane crash and she thought we were ghosts.
Never again will I enjoy her amazing humour and quick wit; it’s now replaced with a confused look that longs for understanding.
Never again will I see her give a warm loving smile and a twinkle in her eyes; instead a vacant expression greets me except for the fleeting moment she recognised me and told me she loved me.
Never again will I hold a conversation about anything; her responses are confused and make no sense.
Never again will I make new memories with her.
There’s so much I want to tell her but she will forget. I want to share my happiness, my sadness…. But she doesn’t understand.
Dear Dementia; you stole my gran from me and I want her back, so badly.
Yesterday was so hard for me, mentally. Seeing what the cancer has turned you into and hearing with my own ears that you have no idea what’s going on or what you’re saying.
I’m staring blanky at the page and i have no clue where to even start with this blog so… It may jump around but, right now that’s what my brain is like.
Gran has lost the plot and her marbles are starting to scatter at an alarming rate. You cant hold a conversation with her because what you say and what she hears, aren’t in sync.
Where do i even start this one?! My brain is doing loops and criss-cross and…. Euch. (Also i now have no idea how to put a “break” in the post because my app updated and now that’s disappeared and i cant remember the HTML for it. Sorry.)
Ok so i moved out of gran’s because she was treating me like absolute shit. She passed racist and homophobic comments which made me very uncomfortable and even accused mum of stealing her money.
So we managed to find her a spot at a respite home for two weeks which was supposed to be peaceful. Didn’t end that way. She was constantly complaining she wanted to come home, she didn’t like it there, why couldn’t we just look after her? Everything to make us feel guilty. Didn’t work.
She came home last week on the understanding that neither me nor mum would live with her and that we cant take care of her so she would have to have home help. She was fine with that – until Friday when she told mum she didn’t want the home help she was perfectly fine on her own. Which is total bullshit. We told her she has two choices; home care twice a day or she goes into a nursing home full time and she won’t have a choice. She doesn’t want either and doesn’t (or won’t) listen to why she only has those two choices.
Her memory is totally fucked. She is denying saying anything offensive and accusing mum of stealing money. She swears blind she never treated me like shit or like a slave.
And once again…. She knows best. She knows everything. Oh and we have to stop shouting at her. Even when we weren’t shouting at her. She got pissed at me cuz i was talking to Kath and not her then snapped because mum was trying to say something. Truth is mum was counting to ten.
That person is not my gran any more. She looks like her but she isn’t acting like her.