you know when you’re told something but it isnt until you actually say it out loud yourself that it takes full effect?
i had a moment like that today and some very hard realities hit home.
1) my anti depressants arent working. not properly anyway. problem is before i can be put on anything else, i have to be weened off of these (i take three different happy pills), but i have to be off of ALL three of them before i can start new ones. i know for a fact that once i start coming off them….my world will turn upside down and i will be the hardest person to live with…. not only this but i know i’ll be self harming and suicidal once again. i know that my family and true friends will stick by me but….. im terrified if im not stable….i’ll lose my girlfriend….because if i can’t deal with me off my meds….who will?
Continue reading well fuck
So I’ve made posts about my voices before but I honestly can’t remember if I’ve gone in depth or not. Apologies in advance if this is just a repeat. There will be what’s going on NOW after the break.
Snap – makes me hate myself, everything about myself. Anything bad that happens I deserve. I always had it coming to me. He makes me self harm and believe I deserve to be scarred. I see him with flames.
Crackle – eloquent shit with long words like eloquent. Makes me seem like I ate a dictionary for my breakfast. He wears a monocle.
Pop – giggly funny drunk. When I find something hilarious this is the guy who comes out. This is who makes me giggle like a looney. 9 times out of 10 when I’m drunk you can say hi to pop.
And they aren’t just voices. They present themselves as personalities. Which leaves people walking on eggshells incase SNAP appears.
Continue reading Snap
Wow so, now i can blog from my phone!! Perfect!!!
so last night/this morning, i had a confusing dream. it involved Zombies. I’ll try and type up what i remember in order.
i was fighting zombies with a group of people and i helped save a boy by checking his eyes and getting him through a door before barring it. We were now in a garden center and looking around to secure it. As we were sat making a fire, the boy took off his shoes and winced. I looked down and gasped seeing only four toes on each foot. He explained it was “neccesary” so he could run faster and proceeded to show us how and why.
as we walked around the center we came across a train that still worked. We all hauled ass and got on it, setting off.
we had been travelling a while when we discovered we were not alone and we were going through gateways into a compound. We slowed and without stopping a man said “that boy has man cancer and must be removed for you to pass”. The boy (who i saved) looks at me and nods, giving himself up so we could pass. A man grabs the boy and wraps him in clingfilm before carrying him off.
the train continues and we are on a rollercoaster track. We end up flying off the track but landing on another piece of track and coming to a stop.
we get off the train and i shoot a zombie nine times before they die and then get told that I’m under arrest for killing a pet….
i blink and open my eyes finding myself in a bedroom. I look out the window and see a Jason Vorhees Zombie. I wake up when my phone rings.
WHAT THE FUCK?!
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i saw the doctor this morning, my GP. she’s lovely.
told her what i could remember about what happens to me and she is concerned. doesn’t know exactly whats going on but she upped my meds (Pizotifen) again, which confuses me cuz i thought i was already on the highest dose.
Continue reading Doctor, Doctor Please….