Tag Archives: update

An Apology to #MattLucas

Dear Mr. M. Lucas,

This is long overdue and has been playing on my mind a lot recently. I made similar posts on former blogs before now, hoping you'd see them… and now I hope you haven't because I distinctly remember trying to justify myself.

There is no justification for the disgraceful and heartless "joke" I reposted on Twitter many years ago about yourself and your late husband.

For the longest time I would shrug it off by saying I didn't ever think you would see it, didn't know it was the real you replying and some other ridiculous excuses to make myself feel better.
The truth is none of that matters or makes it better and I should never have posted it in the first place. I was cocky, idiotic and cold hearted…. please know, I am no longer that person. I now take issues such as depression, self harm and suicide very seriously and know they are never a joke and shouldn't ever be any form of entertainment. I should have known back then and obviously I didn't.

I made an insurmountable mistake and royally fucked up and I cannot begin to imagine the hurt seeing that tweet caused you. With everything within me, I apologise unreservedly.

I hope you do see this and please know, that this mistake has not & will not be repeated. Ever.

I'm not looking for forgiveness; only for you to know that I want to be as far away as possible from the person I was back then. I have grown and matured through experiences I wouldn't ever wish on anyone, and I am ashamed of myself for what I posted.

I am so very sorry.

Yours Sincerely
Miss K.P. Hall. (Twitter: @KatVonHall )

Note: I can't remember the Twitter name I was using back then. I do know I deleted the account when I started a new one.

A year in review

Well this weekend marks a year since we found out about your lies and mum told you where to go.

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This year hasn’t be easy and I’m pretty sure we’re being punished for shit from a past life…. However there have been a lot more laughs, more heart felt conversations and I’m closer to my mum than before.

It’s not until someone is gone from your life that you realise how much they actually controlled every situation for their own ends, no matter what they were. 

I may have lost my dad, the “man” who stepped up to look after a child that wasn’t his… But in the process I found myself. 

Yes I do miss my dad, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t.  There are times I’ll see something funny and think “oh dad would….” And I have to stop myself from saving it or forwarding the link on to you.

I know there is no chance in hell you’ll see this.  You were never interested in reading my blog or knowing what was going on with me; for the longest time I didn’t realise that and when I did, it hurt. It physically hurt me because up until the last few months before you left, I made the effort to listen to you and make sure you were okay.  Obviously you were a better liar than we give you credit for.

It’s strange how we measure years…. Most people its jan-dec but when something traumatic happens it can skew your perception of time without you even knowing.  Our new year didn’t start on Jan 1st and it won’t start until the divorce proceedings are over and we’ve moved.  Once the house is actually sold and we’ve moved out and the divorce is finalised we never have to think of you again. 

I’ll tell you a secret…. And I know you wouldn’t care.  The last time you came round, to help with the boiler you fucked up, it was me who had to call you because you wouldn’t answer the phone to mum and you didn’t even look at me.  You didn’t ask after me. You were cold and calculated and you weren’t my dad. 

I cried for an hour and didn’t sleep that night because of how shitty I felt.  Because of how your actions made me feel.

I think mum and I deserve happiness in our lives – we deserve some good luck and good Karma.  If anyone deserves the shit it’s you and your whore.  You’re the ones who only thought of yourselves.

That being said, I hope the coming months and years give you everything you deserve. May your wedding be….  Interesting. Thats if you do get married. It wouldn’t surprise me if one or both of you decided to move onto the next poor sap. 

Have fun. Live your life and may it ever be full of what you deserve. 

Gran and health stuff

I’m staring blanky at the page and i have no clue where to even start with this blog so… It may jump around but, right now that’s what my brain is like.

Gran has lost the plot and her marbles are starting to scatter at an alarming rate.  You cant hold a conversation with her because what you say and what she hears, aren’t in sync.

Continue reading Gran and health stuff

how PokemonGo is helping me battle depression.

OK so imma add in a little background info about just why im so excited about PokemonGo.

If you’re new to my blog – I have depression, borderline personality, bipolar and depression.


when pokemon first came out, we didn’t have the money for the handheld or the games.  they were just far too expensive, so while everyone was playing the card game or the Gameboy, I had a sega mega drive (which I absolutely loved, it was my first gaming console).

Continue reading how PokemonGo is helping me battle depression.

Euch – part… Whatever.

Where do i even start this one?! My brain is doing loops and criss-cross and…. Euch.  (Also i now have no idea how to put a “break” in the post because my app updated and now that’s disappeared and i cant remember the HTML for it. Sorry.)

Ok so i moved out of gran’s because she was treating me like absolute shit. She passed racist and homophobic comments which made me very uncomfortable and even accused mum of stealing her money.

So we managed to find her a spot at a respite home for two weeks which was supposed to be peaceful.  Didn’t end that way. She was constantly complaining she wanted to come home, she didn’t like it there, why couldn’t we just look after her? Everything to make us feel guilty.  Didn’t work.

She came home last week on the understanding that neither me nor mum would live with her and that we cant take care of her so she would have to have home help.  She was fine with that – until Friday when she told mum she didn’t want the home help she was perfectly fine on her own.  Which is total bullshit.   We told her she has two choices; home care twice a day or she goes into a nursing home full time and she won’t have a choice.  She doesn’t want either and doesn’t (or won’t) listen to why she only has those two choices.

Her memory is totally fucked. She is denying saying anything offensive and accusing mum of stealing money. She swears blind she never treated me like shit or like a slave.

And once again…. She knows best. She knows everything. Oh and we have to stop shouting at her. Even when we weren’t shouting at her.   She got pissed at me cuz i was talking to Kath and not her then snapped because mum was trying to say something. Truth is mum was counting to ten. 

That person is not my gran any more. She looks like her but she isn’t acting like her.

Euch. An update.

Euch…. Just kinda explains everything im feeling right now.

🚩 Big ass trigger warnings ahead for angst, suicide and self harm. 🚩

Gran fell on Thursday the 9th and ended up cracking her head (and actually fracturing her skull) which resulted in a bleed on the brain. 

She was trying to hammer in a screw  cup-hook into a plastic door frame using a metal meat tenderiser. She got dizzy and down she went.

Continue reading Euch. An update.

TMI – FMS things no-one talks about

I’ve actually been wanting to do this blog for a while and I’ve never really been able to put into words what it’s like.

After today I think I have the descriptions down. And yes….. this will get VERY VERY TMI.

Continue reading TMI – FMS things no-one talks about

Week away + eventful day

Sooooo i spent the last few days with my lovely lady Vicky, we had a really relaxed time. Lots of laughs and gaming with Minecraft pocket edition. Movies. YouTube. Snuggles. Perfect. We even peopled on Tuesday so i rewarded us with McDonald’s.

I got home on Friday; the journey, although seated, was hot and sticky and Euch. 

Continue reading Week away + eventful day